Welcome, initiate. I am Grand Poobah April. Please enter, and do watch your step. Thank you for your interest in joining the Cult of the Fair Magic Card.

Wait, what's that? You don't know what a Fair Magic Card is? Why, it's so simple:

To help make it things clearer, let me offer some examples ingeniously designed back in the earliest days of Magic itself:

Let us thank Lord Garfield and his most beneficent sense of fairness

Now you might be thinking to yourself, April what if I . . . 

• Don't have any creatures in play?
• Have a bunch of artifact mana in play?
• Have fewer cards in my hand than my opponent?

These are fine questions, my sweet child. If I may be so humble as to quote from the literary classic Animar Farm, “All fair cards are equal, but some fair cards are more equal than others.” It is never your fault that the game state is such that a Fair Magic Card might benefit you more than your most lamentable of opponents. Always remember — although the cards are always fair, sometimes life sometimes isn't.

It is important to never use the words Fair Magic Card in vain. It is never meant to be used sarcastically, such as to describe a powerful card that is grossly unfair:

Powerful cards, not fair ones

It is good that I see comprehension dawning in your eyes, as that portends you joining our illustrious ranks. Benefits include an invitation to our annual retweets where I summon demons most foul to torture my odious followers and divine the Most Fair Cards in Magic history.

As determined in a manner replete with scientific rigor

Other exciting benefits include this preview of this upcoming promotional card, a highly comprehensible and easy-to-spell card with a storied history of Fairness:

Hey mom! I caught this blue mage outside, drawing extra cards!

Chains of Mephistopheles has been keeping naughty Blue mages from drawing extra cards since 1993, and will be a Magic Online exclusive promotional card featuring all-new artwork by Daarken. Beginning with the Magic Online release of Ixalan, Chains of Mephistopheles should start appearing in booty-filled Treasure Chests everywhere.

Remember to not feel guilty about the fortunate coincidence that your deck happens to not have spells that draw additional cards. Sometimes fair cards are just more equal to you than to others.

Thank you again for your interest our secret society. Should you decide that the Cult of the Fair Magic Card is not for you, let me direct you to the Sulfuric Vortex exit. If you have any additional questions, please direct them to the genius over at Flogatog.