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Planeswalker Weekly: Jaciyo Heats Up

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As Valeriy Shunkov wrote, “Sorry, Stoneforge Mystic, but it’s official now.”

PW! cover by @hackworth.

Jace Beleren (a.k.a. The Mind Sculptor, Memory Adept, and most recently Architect of Thought), the Multiverse’s most eligible bachelor ever since his very public breakup with death mage and socialite Liliana Vess, has found a new muse: Tamiyo, the Moon Sage.

Or perhaps we should say Tamiyo has found her new muse.

“Moonfolk are notoriously fast when it comes to relationships,” said noted historian Issar Roon. “Not only do their moods change drastically with every lunar shift, but they like to conquer and move on. Tamiyo will tap that _ _ _ like nobody’s business. She makes those Merfolk guidettes from the Grixis Shore look like Angels.”

Just call me MWoww.

Being Magic’s new “it” ’walker has its downside, though. Recently, pro player Paulo Vitor Damo da Rosa posted this on Twitter:

Vorthos writer MJ Scott was even more vicious in her attack:

Some fashion bloggers have called out Tamiyo’s ensemble as “fresh-off-the-boat circa 1940.”

Tamiyo’s response?

“It’s modern Tribal couture, rooted in a heritage of luxe, curvaceous fabric and a subtly feminine palette that is trademark Kamigawan.” She assured us there’s more avant garde style to come. “I don’t mind if my look is over some people’s heads. If you prefer, just keep showing midriff in last year’s two-pieces like some other ’walkers we know.”

Upsides to her rise in popularity at least balance, if not outweigh, any negatives. Tamiyo has won the fall 2013 campaign for Burberry, no doubt as part of the leverage the company plans to use as it extends its reach in China. “She has classic porcelain good looks, poise, and an ageless, youthful aura,” said a Burberry media spokesperson. “She embodies the feeling we want our customers in Asia—and around the world—to have when they make a Burberry purchase.”

Fan Bingbing, popular actress in Asia, rocks a Burberry trench at an event.

Pro player Brad Nelson concurs regarding Tamiyo’s allure:

“This is the best time to be a Magic player. We get to see the new cards, figure out the new synergies, and look at all of the new amazing art—none more powerful or beautiful than Tamiyo, the Moon Sage. Today I will be talking about how amazing this planeswalker truly is as well as where you want to be playing her . . . ”

What Would You Do? And Tamiyo, the Moon Sage (April 13, 2012)

The Jace–Tamiyo union has created other fallout: specifically, the many broken hearts left in its wake within Team Jace.

“I mean, our relationship was strictly platonic. We’re just friends,” said Gideon Jura, high-ranking white warlock in the controversial Order of Heliud. Jura rose to international celebrity as the ’walker who squired Jace all over the multiverse during the 2011 Caw-Blade heat wave.

“I do love him—I mean, like a brother,” Jura told GM during a brief interview conducted on the backs of Squadron Hawks spiriting Jura to a private meeting with Lando Calrissian to discuss a Heliud–Cloud City tourism partnership. “It’s really hard to . . . you know, let that closeness . . . that battlefield fraternity, if you will . . . just dissipate. It does hurt.”

Jura and Calrissian originally met while dancing to “Whistle” at Emperor Palpatine’s 360th birthday party in Dubai, hosted by Ciroc Vodka.

Jura, who recently auditioned for The Expendables II but lost the part to ex-MMA fighter-turned-actor Randy Couture, concluded the interview with, “But we’re just friends.”

Between old bromances and the recent R/W/U miracles win by Todd Anderson at StarCityGames Open: Cinncinnati, the Jace–Tamiyo union promises to bring the juice in fall 2012 for Spikes and Vorthoses alike.

Stoneforge Mystic could not be reached for comment.

We did not attempt to contact Ms. Vess for comment.

“I think it’s adorable,” said Chandra Nalaar, who has battled Jace in the past. “I mean, ‘The Mind Sculptor’ and ‘The Moon Sage’? Hello, same initials! Too cute. Whatever makes you happy, I say. To each her own.”

Nalaar and Beleren’s love scenes in “Duel Decks: Jace vs. Chandra” were panned by critics for a lack of chemistry.

At press time, a horde of Gravecrawlers was creeping toward my office from Swamps that seemed to appear from nowhere around my house. I pushed “send,” and I hope this article reaches Stybs in time . . . 

Till next time (if I have a next time), may Magic be your sword giant flame-throwing bazooka—damn Zombies!

Anybody got some Pillars handy?

–MJ