All the News That Isn’t
New Additions to the Reserved List
In light of the recent bannings of Jace, the Mind Sculptor and Stoneforge Mystic, Wizards is being exceptionally careful to prevent such future format-warping mistakes. “It was our fault,” says Aaron Forsythe, Director of Magic R&D for Wizards of the Coast. “We should have seen this coming, but we didn’t. As a result of our carelessness, Standard turned stale, predictable,
“That’s Zendikar block,” he says, “not just the set. Zendikar, Worldwake, Rise of the Eldrazi—all of them. We’ll be better off if we just try to forget those sets ever happened to Standard.”
When asked how Wizards planned to prevent similar problems in the future, Forsythe said the R&D team was confident it had found a permanent solution. “We plan to use the Banned, Restricted, and Reserved Lists to combat this problem,” he said. “For instance, in Innistrad, the development team worked really hard to make the set powerful, creative, fun. Too hard, as it turns out. The set is way too powerful. So, we’re placing it on the Banned List preemptively.”
How does that work? “Well,” he said, “we’re just not going to bother printing it. I mean, it’s already on the Banned List, so there’s not much point. Look—the players spoke, and we listened. They don’t like powerful stuff. We get it! We hope this will make Standard a much more exciting environment in the future.”
Elspeth Furious over Exclusion from M12
In the latest planeswalker drama, Elspeth is reportedly not speaking to Gideon, enraged that the white planeswalker edged her out for inclusion in Magic 2012. “It’s sexist, that’s what it is,” Elspeth told our reporter. “It’s so obvious. Just because he’s a man, he gets picked for a core set, even though I’m clearly more qualified.” Elspeth alleges that a “glass ceiling” at Wizards is to blame, pointing to the all-male R&D team at WotC. When asked how Chandra made it into M12 if female planeswalkers were discriminated against, Elspeth was dismissive. “I think we all know how she got the job,” the planeswalker replied scornfully. “I mean, you show enough leg and cleavage, and prance around in that slutty skintight leather, and of course you’re going to be picked. I’m not saying that she definitely slept with someone at WotC,
When asked whether there’s any truth to these allegations, Gideon denied all. “I get the job done,” he said. “I think my record speaks for itself. Elspeth’s just jealous. Besides, I was just voted #2 Hottest Male Planeswalker 2011. What can I say? The ladies love me.”
Wizards declined to comment on the matter, saying only that planeswalkers are chosen for sets without regard to gender or race, and that any further inquiries should be directed to their legal department.
WotC’s Long-Term Growth Plan: Vampires
Many players have noticed the resurgence of the vampire tribe in recent sets. Now, Wizards has revealed that this is part of a long-term plan to grow the player base for Magic. Scott Larabee, Organized Play Territory Manager at WotC, says that the vampire renaissance was his brainchild. “Well, we saw how popular the Twilight series was with teenage girls,” he says, “and that gave me the idea.”
Apparently, Wizards’ plan is to entice young women into playing Magic through the vampire tie-in. “Girls are crazy about Edward Cullen,” says Larabee. “I mean, they go nutso over this guy. Why? I don’t know. I don’t think he’s that hot, personally. But my only concern is making money, and that sparkly-faced hunk of man—vampire, I mean—is a goldmine.”
The plan has three prongs, according to Larabee. First, bringing in more teenaged girls will bring in more players—at least, that’s his prediction. “We’ve conducted several studies, and the results are unambiguous,” he says. “Teenaged boys—our primary demographic—will go where the girls are. And if the girls are all hot and bothered thinking about vampires, all the better.” That’s the second prong of the plan, says Larabee. “The vampires will get the girls ‘in the mood,’” he says. “That exponentially increases the chances of the average Magic player getting laid. As we all know, sex leads to babies. And those babies will grow up to be Magic players. We’ll have a whole new generation to sell cardboard to.” The last prong of the plan relates to the older demographic of Magic players. “Women of all ages love these Twilight vampires,” he says. “So it’ll help out the thirty- and forty-something Magic players, too. Your wife won’t be bitching about you leaving to go to a Grand Prix if she’s there grinding along with you. It’s a win-win.”
Legacy/Vintage Rules Change
The recent uproar over the printing of Command Tower has prompted a rules change in the Eternal formats. The players of Vintage and Legacy were, rightfully, incensed over this printing of a single card that is not playable in their formats. “I can’t believe Wizards had the gall to print this card,” one Legacy player said. “It’s like they’re turning Magic into a Commander-only game.” When it was pointed out that this is only one card out of the ten-thousand-plus cards in the history of Magic, most of which are Legacy-playable, the player made an excellent point: “It’s only one now,” he said, “but we all know what comes after one. Two, then three, then four, and so on. You get the point. Where does it stop? Pretty soon every single card in every single block is going to be made for Commander and we’re not going to have any cards left.” Fortunately, Wizards has realized their mistake and has decided to rectify it by modifying the rules of the Eternal formats.
Effective immediately—this is too urgent to wait for the next Comp Rules update—Legacy and Vintage decks may include a Commander. That Commander will, of course, begin the game in the command zone. But how can a Commander be cast, if the Eternal formats don’t have rules governing this? It can’t, said a Wizards representative who declined to be named. “We’re not turning Legacy into Commander,” he said. “None of the other Commander-specific rules governing the command zone, etc. will apply. Players can have Commanders, they just can’t use them. But at least they’ll be able to use their Command Towers.” Some players have complained that this isn’t really fair—isn’t Wizards just giving Eternal players an ultra-powerful land that can be dropped on turn one and tapped for any color of mana, without any drawbacks? “That may be true,” the Wizards representative admitted, “but it’s only fair. Legacy and Vintage really suffer from a lack of powerful effects and cards. It’s only fair that, once in a while, we throw them a bone and give them something really good.”
The Llanowar Sentinel accepts news bulletins from freelance journalists. Send submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Pieces will be edited for content and length.