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The Llanowar Sentinel, Issue 4


All the News That Isn’t

Goblin Bangchuckers Not Quite Sure What They’re Supposed to Be Chucking

An undisclosed number of goblins from the recently released M12 set have come forward, hiring a lawyer to file a class-action lawsuit alleging that Tom LaPille, lead developer on the M12 set, “. . . failed to give them proper direction regarding the combat techniques they’d be expected to use.”

Mr. LaPille did not respond to numerous requests from the goblins’ legal team seeking clarification as to what exactly they were supposed to chuck, or even what they were supposed to use for the “chucking,” leaving the goblins to figure it out on their own.

In a statement issued by the goblins, they said, “Chuck seem easy. We got slingshot already. But what we chuck? How we supposed to guess that?”

After extensive testing, the goblins settled on chucking bang.

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: Pro Suspected of Steroid Use, Suspended for Three Years

Sources inside the DCI confirm that a prominent Magic pro has been suspended after allegations of steroid use. The pro, whose name will be released in a press conference later today, has been accused of “juicing” after several suspicious incidents at the U.S. Nationals, held at GenCon 2011.

“We received several reports from bystanders that caused us to become suspicious,” says Dennis Dreyer, a top-level DCI official. “He [the pro] apparently broke an opponent’s deck in half while riffle-shuffling after decks had been presented. All the cards, they just snapped in two. And we have a special material inside the cards that’s supposed to prevent that.” But that wasn’t the only odd occurrence. “He cast a Koth of the Hammer,” says Dreyer, “and he got a little overenthusiastic. The table broke when he slammed it down. Everyone’s games on that table were demolished, and they had to restart the round. Plus, he was playing Red Deck Wins, which is a ’roid rager’s deck if ever there was one.”

A Congressional committee is being formed to look into the allegations, and rumors are already flying that several other pro players might be implicated in the scandal. “We take any hint of steroid use very seriously,” says Dreyer. “We believe in a level playing field.”

Travis Maines, twenty-two, a grinder from Dayton, Ohio, is not surprised. “I’ve always wondered about those pro players,” he says. “I don’t see why they’re better than the rest of us. They’re probably all juicing.”

TOURNAMENT NEWS: Flicking Cards Added to the IPG Under Unsporting Conduct

Renton, Washington – According to Martin Rapp, a member of the Magic: The Gathering Rules Committee, “Flicking Cards” is now going to be added to the Infraction Procedure Guide [the document that governs infractions, penalties, and fixes for tournament play] under the heading of “Unsporting Conduct: Major,” which carries a penalty of Game Loss.

Magic: The Gathering aficionados who have attended tournaments are undoubtedly familiar with the “flicking” behavior, which occurs when a player, during a match, flicks cards in his or her hand against one another, making a snapping noise.

Rapp explains the need for the new rule: “‘Flicking’ causes a delay in gameplay. The amount of mental focus devoted to flicking the cards is causing matches to go longer, as players are slower to play. Sure, the time lost may only be seconds per match, but over hundreds of matches, it adds up.”

Another member of the Rules Committee, who declined to be named, says that’s not the case at all. “That’s the official story,” the committee member said. “But it’s not the real reason. It’s just so goddamn annoying.”

The Llanowar Sentinel accepts news bulletins from freelance journalists. Send submissions to llanowar@gatheringmagic.com. Pieces will be edited for content and length.

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