I don’t like goblins. They’re ugly, puny, tacky, fecund (and not in a cute way, like rabbits), dirty, hyperactive, hyperaggressive, hysterical, and, and . . . ugly!
That was my reaction when my husband first showed me these things called Magic cards. I asked for a deck with gargoyles and pretty angels and slim-waisted Kor. Why would I ever want a pot-bellied stinky-lookin’ snub-nosed orc dude taking up space in my hand?
Then I actually learned to play and got more intimate with dudes like Goblin Guide and Goblin Ruinblaster. More recently, I started reading articles on RDW and burn, incidentally learning in what contexts Spikeshot Elder might be useful while incidentally noting I loved his art. But what really tipped the scale was Goblin Matron being brought to my attention by the no-less-than-purely-awesome Twit-heads that gave me fodder for my first article.
I like goblins. They’re humble, compact, kitschy, freaky (in a bass-heavy way, like hip-hop), flavorful, energetic, motivated, vibrant, and . . . and . . . ugly!
It’s that time—school’s about to wrap. And Magic—congratulations, you’ve made it to eighteen years. So let’s Empty the Warrens, skip class, pick up our yearbooks, and Fling ourselves into the pungent and delightful visual history of those strange-lovin’ pyromaniacal party animals: goblins!
Goblin High Yearbook, 1993–2011
Home of the . . . GOBLINS!!!
Motto: “We got it! We got it! We—”
A Message from Our Principal:
This wonderfully textured piece is a decadent portrait of goblin character and culture. It’s intimate, National Geographic-shoots-indigenous-nudity quality. Artist Dave Allsop says on his website that he first does a paper-and-pencil sketch, then paints over in Photoshop CS3.
Staff: Library Administrator
I don’t know what bloodcap mushrooms smell like, but if it’s anything like the potpourri/White Diamonds/chickenwich combo I used to smell on my high-school librarian—it must be the foulest of the foul. Artist Cyril Van Der Haegen shows a wide range of fun, on-point illustrations in her MTG work, but her “fringe” characters emote the most for me: Shusher and Street Wraith are my favorites. Oh, and Joraga Treespeaker’s cleavage.
Staff: Head Custodian
You know this guy. Unusual art for a goblin, right down to the squid toupee (this is Kamigawa, bet that does double duty as a late-night snack—yum!). Artist Greg Staples is a powerhouse.
Staff: The Cafeteria Lady
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Obviously, Voltaire was never on lunch tickets and never had the suspiciously viscous “teriyaki bento” we all know and love. http://diterlizzi.com
Staff: Teacher's Aide
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Enslaved Scout is currently the only Goblin that publicly identifies as Guay. (Warning: Fae nipples front and center!)
On Okk: I thought he was the big guy at first, but then I looked closer. Artist Mike Raabe has given us such a great vignette here. It appears the smaller, brighter-hued goblin that is exhorting the larger is actually our Okk, since he suffers from Conditional Battle Impotence Syndrome and can’t attack or block unless someone bigger does it first.
Mogg Fanatic, one of the most beloved and iconic goblin images of all time, and the equally personality-laden Mogg Flunkies, are both by Brom. This guy, apparently as crazy as a goblin, “unabashedly blames living in such places as Japan, Hawaii, Germany, and Alabama for all his afflictions,” and mentions the demons in his head on his website—“Brom is currently kept in a dank cellar somewhere in the drizzly Northwest”—so maybe I can find said cellar and score a future interview, hmm . . . ?
Goblin Piledriver is another most-beloved—and rightly so, the card is ridiculous and the art is perfect. It would be goblins that have “Piledriver” as a job title. I wish I was a goblin, so I could put “MJ Scott, The Walls of Jericho” on my business card. http://cavotta.com (under construction)
Track & Field
Anyone with half a brain knows you have to be a glutton for punishment to do track or cross country, and these goblins definitely fit the bill.
Rally
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Both Andi Rusu’s and Lars Grant-West’s Brigade interpretations are so much fun. I especially adore the balloon itself in Grant-West’s, but Rusu’s takes the cake with a perfect capture of the colorful chaos we love about goblins. Ron Spencer’s Goblin Grenade is one of the all-time faves for the Twitterfae, and I think goblins themselves would agree on this slightly darker, ideally muscled, and scarily armored version as an image to rally behind. “Hapless goblin,” I think not; this fella looks focused and determined, a real kamikaze fighter. Besides the powerful effect, I think this card resonates with many because visually, it’s a projection of the underdog’s idealized vision of himself. We all secretly feel like underdogs, and we all want to be heroes. Goblin Grenade makes us want to fist-pump! Plus, the armor’s kind of kinky.
Student Government
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. . . artists use lies to tell the truth, while politicians use them to cover the truth up — Evey Hammond, V for Vendetta
These fellas go so far back. Love the flavor. While the original art has Mons’s goblinators looking strangely elvish, and I can’t say it’s one of my favorites, Jeff A. Menges can be found on Facebook, and he has some lovely non-MTG work I die for—and it still showcases his ye olde, bookish style. The Mons’s reboot was done by Pete Venters, and it’s another enduring, classic goblin look.
Drama Club
Only the weirdest of the weird for theater, right? Vibrant, aggressive, and eccentric, these illustrations are some of the most arresting goblin depictions.
Machine/Auto Shop
Pretty self-explanatory: awesome. The feather in Tinkerer’s hair is brilliant, and the memorable depictions of these goblin contraptions just give that warm fuzzy feeling that means something’s working, and it’s probably the art if it’s not the scotch. Welder is an icon, and his flavor text is simply the nuts. Doodler challenge: What would that ashtray look like? I’m not so great at inanimate objects, so I’d enjoy seeing your creations! E-mail me.
Marching Band
Class President
This illustration stands out because the goblin is definitely posed as the leader among this group of humans. Boros Recruit is similar, but the goblin there is definitely a soldier, while this guy is the boss. Both cards highlight great goblin-out-of-context work, though, and both images are popular with the community.
Valedictorian
Matt Cavotta clearly understands goblins. As mentioned above, his site is undergoing overhaul, but you can e-mail matt1 at cavotta dot com for “questions on all topics from fantasy art to snack cakes.”
Most Likely to Succeed
Best Looking
So, she may or may not be. But Mothdust Changeling has definitely augmented her goblinesque appearance with the interesting addition of faerie-style wings and blonde humanoid hair, and that would at least elicit unabashed ogling by the ever-curious goblin populace. I find Shelly Wan’s work soft, highly emotional, and extremely beautiful. There’s an aura of solitude and sadness that last. http://manart.com/interviews/shelly-wan/003 and http://shellywan.blogspot.com
Most Unique
Marsh Goblins are not only this funky color, but that li’l tail differentiates them (remember Jason Alexander’s big reveal scene in Shallow Hal? I just realized—he’s a Marsh Goblin). Check out John Dale Beety’s “Artists of Alpha” SCG article for info on artist Quinton Hoover.
Class Clown
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Who else besides the funny guy would turn out to be such a pivotal unhero? Another Staples win.
Skinning animals is definitely considered an art in goblin circles. I’m sure if he takes advantage of higher ed, Goblin Furrier will pursue his MFA in Furry Beastie Flensing. Warren Mahy’s ethereal, Japanese-influenced-looking work gets a thumbs up from me.
Best Dressed
A hedonist, and either a trendsetter or a slave to fashion—we can’t be sure which. Goblin fashionistas: Next time you hit the club, don’t forget the requisite frog-in-mouth accessory, because frogs-on-the-head are quaint but dated, and butterflies on your head scream, “I’m a human in 2008!”
Human Philip Treacy for Alexander McQueen hat, Spring/Summer 2008 collection (no joke)
Best Teacher
Goblin Pyromancer (Science)
Famous Alumnus Award
Slobad, Goblin Tinkerer
Yearbook Staff
Commencement Address
When I broached this topic on Twitter, @kellyreid suggested I do a card alter: a goblin riding Dr. Strangelove–style on a Goblin Bomb. At first, I wondered how Strangelove fit in with goblins, but then it became clear. The way goblins are done in Magic is as a parody of our serious human existence. They’re the comedic relief in the cards, embodying all of our silliest human moments, traits, and urges in technicolor glory.
It’s easy to feel good when you look in the mirror and say, “Damn, look at my fine elf . . . I fine.” But can you still find your way from a place of humility, when you look in the mirror and see what you really are, warts and all? Don’t give yourself airs. You’re no Imperious Perfect—and who would want to be so cold?—you’re a Goblin Lackey, and you’ve got spunk and you’ve got some friends who are as stinky as you are. Now, what are you going to do with it?
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