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He Went to Jared


I couldn't remember if I already made this dumb joke, so I spent, no joke, like 5 minutes browsing all of my old Coolstuff articles trying to find the title. I did finally find it when I resorted to using google. It turns out, yes, I did write an article with a "Went to Jared" joke in it, but it was on MTG Price when the first Jared came out, it was fun to write and I slander Glen Danzig a lot for some reason. Did you know I wrote for MTG Price? Fun fact, I've been writing articles about how to save money on EDH cards by buying and selling at the right time, that could be relevant to your interests. You know what's relevant to MY interests? Swipin'.

Swipin' their stuff, specifically. I was challenged by Mark Wischkaemper to make a 75% Superfriends deck so I'm gonna, but if I am to make something 75% and it's not immediately obvious how to do that given its tendency to become a "goodstuff" deck, I fall back on one of my crutches tenets of the philosophy. I'm going to build a deck where I swipe their permanents, and I'm going to have the goofiest Thesis Enchantment I've ever used. Join me as we get real weird. Like, rull weird. A decent chunk of you have never seen this card. In fact, a huge chunk of you... probably weren't born yet. Oh man, is this why if I sleep on my foot weird I can't walk for half a day and sometimes my hair hurts? This wasn't how I wanted to find out. Anyway, to you whippersnappers who know what "cheugy" means and only remember modern border Magic cards, I present to you a very unlikely Thesis Enchantment for a Planeswalker deck.

Unnatural Selection

Weird, right? For why do we want to change creatures into different creatures? Simple - I love to play Planeswalkers that care about creature types.

Sorin, Vampire Lord

This is a deeply stupid, very bad Magic card, but if you have a lot of Vampires, you can take over the board with his ultimate. I'm not suggesting that's a reason in and of itself to run Unnatural Selection, but think of all of the cards that care about tribes. What if you want to Crux of Fate everyone's creatures but your own which are now conveniently Dragons while your opponent's creatures become inconveniently not Dragons. The good thing about doing something this stupid with a card this dumb and fragile is that it's fine if you don't draw it. We're not creating a two-card combo to make Crux of Fate good, we're running a wrath that is sometimes hilarious. A two-card combo to create a laugh is the only reason I play this game anymore.

Jared Carthalion

My inspiration came from a Scryfall search that turned up 13 Planeswalkers with the phrase "gain control" on them. Sorin, Vampire Lord stuck out as a card I couldn't really play all that well so I decided not to run it and just run the other 12 swipers - cards like Dack Fayden, Geyadrone Dihada, Silgar Raheal, Tevesh Szat, Doom of Fools and one of those names I just made up and I bet you don't know which one. What if I COULD run Sorin, Vampire Lord in the deck? More importantly, what if I didn't just jam 30 Walkers in a deck with Doubling Season and call it a day? What if I made a goodstuff pile a funstuff pile? A FUNNYstuff pile, even. Think of the good times! Think of the people who are uncomfortable that I keep saying "pile" because they live in a country where that's the word for "hemorrhoid". Think of more than one way to change creature types.

Luckily, Onslaught, the set I thought Unnatural Selection was in, has some good for us. Specifically, the cards Peer Pressure, Artificial Evolution, Callous Oppressor, and Standardize. Adding a lot of cards that make creature type matter will make the deck hilarious. Imagine using Gor Muldrak, Amphinologist to keep their "salamanders" from attacking your Planeswalkers. We could just Xenograft all of our creatures to be Vampires, but if I'm putting this weird, clunky package in the deck, I want it to pay off. Did I call the package "clunky?" Because you're about to WISH the deck was only as clunky as what I've described already. I have one more thing I want to talk about.

Maskwood Nexus

It may become necessary to have someone else's creatures be a certain type, rather than yours. In that instance, I want to present a card that is in the deck for a different reason but will be a tool to help us later for this weird Maskwood Thing.

Bazaar Trader

Bazaar Trader is in the deck because a lot of Planeswalkers that are good four-mana cards and not bad six-mana cards from introductory products only Threaten creatures. A Threatened creature can be kept by donating it to your opponent until the end of the turn when it reverts back to your side of the board permanently. It's a fun little interaction and giving them a Maskwood Nexus and wailing on their permanents with every creature type-specific card in Magic makes me laugh immensely. Is the deck bad when you don't have Bazaar Trader? I don't think so. "Merely" Threatening a creature can wreak a lot of havoc, but being able to keep it permanently is better. There is enough in the deck to justify running Bazaar Trader and if there isn't, who are you, the cops? Got nothing better to do than give me a hard time for running something wacky in a fun deck?

This deck seems deeply stupid, but it will all make sense. I'm going to run a few utility creatures but mostly rely on stealing creatures from them, or borrowing them and keeping them, or borrowing and strapping them to a chair and sucking out their sweet sweet mana-y center like Ashnod would have. Making the creature tokens into different tribes may matter, it may not, but it's going to be fun regardless. Let's take a look at this absolute pile, shall we?

Unnatural Superfriends | Commander | Jason Alt

Card Display

This is easily the funniest deck I have ever built. You can wreak a lot of havoc with Maskwood Nexus! The numbers may need to be tweaked a bit, and I kept out staple utility cards for goofy cards like Standardize. Is this deck a mess? Kind of, but it can pull off some strong interactions and once you get a way to change your creatures' types, all of the tribal creatures in the deck do a ton of work. Gol Mudrak gives you protection from Salamanders, Magda, Brazen Outlaw and Risen Reef turn every token produced into value and there are several payoffs for having your creatures all be Vampires and you can add a few more if you want to go that route.

If there is a card you think I should have included, please leave it in the comments, but if you think it should have been included, you're probably right but I'm running fewer lands than normal and my Instants and Sorceries are cut to the bone. I don't know where I'd even find cuts.

If you agree that Commander is the funniest format, try some of these dumb tricks in this stupid goodstuff deck and let me know how it goes. That does it for me this week, readers. Thanks so much for coming back every week and for sharing this on social media. Until next time!

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