This past weekend, I had the pleasure of helping a young man propose to his longtime girlfriend after a theatrical performance of The Wizard of Oz. I work for a large performing arts center, and, of course, I had to help them “win” a gift card from a contest that forced them to visit an exquisite restaurant across snowy and lit Rice Park.

Requests such as this aren’t all that uncommon. During the holidays, many young men try to have that perfect evening, a foundation on which to make an event memorable forever. I heard he won. Good for them.

While talking to a coworker about this event, she asked me how I proposed.

“What time?” I replied.

“What do you mean, ‘What time?’”

I had seven marriage proposals set up, and finally, the seventh worked out simply because I couldn’t wait for a Pinterest moment anymore. It was the day before we were to drive from Minneapolis, MN to Madison, WI—where my wife is from—to celebrate Easter with a bowling-ball-sized ham to devour. It’s a full four-hour drive, and I had told her mother days before that I was going to propose within the week. Elaborate proposals simply weren’t working, so it wasn’t flashy, picturesque, or notable in any way.

I was in athletic gym shorts, in our bedroom, with no shirt on. She said, “Yes,” and we went on our merry way to enjoy some ham and celebrate both my upcoming Master’s Degree and a wedding.

Nailed it.

I might have run out of time, sure, but I gave myself a short window because, well, I forced myself to act. I have kicked the idea around during Return to Ravnica block what guild or color groupings this would’ve exemplified, and I always came up short trying to find an analogous mantra to life’s moments. Not everything needs to be easily placed into archetypes, tropes, or fit a narrative, but I find as a Vorthos that it’s reassuring to see how far our game transcends into our lives.

It creeps me out sometimes.

Other times, it shocks and amazes me that a frickin’ card game can showcase a life’s twists, turns, and deviations all within a neatly baked pie that Mark Rosewater and friends bake on a weekly basis.

Images property of Wizards of the Coast, Inc.

The color pie, in case you’re unaware of how vital it is, is this:

The color pie is the foundation for all things Magic. The color pie dictates why a color has a mechanic and, frankly, the motivation and impetus for doing so. If a Magic card is a character in a novel, the color pie is that character’s personality, motives, and behavioral needs. In short, it explains.

Really accomplished Magic artists understand the color pie and integrate its underpinnings into depictions. That art can generally stand on its own without the card frame. It adds an underlying story narrative with really minimal additive influence. It takes years to really grasp this, as many artists don’t play the game and only have the style guide to work from. As they receive more commissions, learn the colors better, and understand universal truths in the colors, they add double meanings and align sketches to fit characters considerably better.

While writing this article, I first thought that we’d talk just marriage proposals—considering the holidays are one of the best times of the year to enact them—and I love color-pie discussions. Then, it made no sense to just have the tip of the iceberg discussed. Learning why we propose is often more interesting than the actual event. I had an entire section on the historical underpinnings of marriage, but it boils down to the fact that when humans moved from nomadic hunter–gatherers to farmers, land became important. Possession of land meant surpluses were possible, and accumulation of wealth staved off calamity, preventing the survival of the fittest. To maintain the status of owning land and wealth, heirs became relevant, and being totally sure that your spouse was producing your children became paramount. Virginity became important, and marriage was born as a social construct. Economics is the basis for marriage.

Flash-forward to today, and over half of marriages end in divorce. It’s a coin flip.

Those odds aren’t awesome. Don’t rush into marriage—well, unless your color compels you to do so . . . 

Let’s dive in!

I’ll be using the color as a singular and plural usage throughout. I hope that makes sense, such as in, “White loves the something old/new/borrowed/blue theme in a wedding.”

White

Folks of white generally are very meticulous on where they live because moving to many apartments or homes isn’t very peaceful or serene. Moving is stressful, and stress isn’t white. Even moving into a mother’s-in-law apartment or sectioning off a parent’s basement of a larger home isn’t that weird for white. To endure a community, location is very much part of it.

Arranged marriages are very white, which could be seen as royalty and of upper-crust folk marrying into money or improving one’s social status, but it can also mean rural-commune hillbillies. Both make sense.

Proposal

White isn’t about the unnecessary. It sets rules and taxes folk mechanically, such as with Land Tax. A ring is required, sure, but some level of proposal is absolutely necessary. Baseball game jumbotron proposal? Yeah, the proposed-to person won’t say “yes” to save face. It’ll be a “no,” and you’re single again, homie.

There is also something to be said about delaying things. White doesn’t take its time—it comes right on time, just like a turn-four Wrath of God. Don’t drag your feet with the proposal; you will then have to date a Loxodon Punisher—or worse, live with one while you get your proposal together. You’ve asked the mother for her blessing, and she reminds you daily to propose. She hasn’t given a timeline yet, but she will if you keep dragging your feet on this.

Wedding

It will be in a religion structure, whether it’s a church, a mosque, a temple, or, otherwise, even a natural meadow! The site is tremendously important, as public acceptance with visible blessings from fellow married couples is ingrained into a very codified structure. (No divorcees allowed in with “irreconcilable differences” as a reason.) Also, your Beyonce or The Beatles songs aren’t going to make it in. Luckily, the ceremony isn’t long, as excess is surely not tolerated. It’s around thirty minutes, and with an hour for food and two hours of dancing, you’re done!

It’s also rather beautiful because everything has been meticulously planned on Pinterest for years, with full approval of every sister, cousin, and friend to make sure everything will gel well. It might feel gaudy to the uninitiated if you knew White in high school and out of the blue received an invite, but you’ll settle in quickly. White loves the something old/new/borrowed/blue theme in a wedding.

Marriage

White has pretty harmonious relationships. White becomes pretty defensive in any argument, so being upfront and truthful from the onset nullifies most conflict. It just takes a few months to figure that out. White actually takes turns talking and listening, making for a pretty happy marriage. This can fall into passive aggressiveness and resentment, but only when it’s abundantly obvious that things aren’t working. Arranged marriages, when they do happen, are given something of a grace period due to this. In addition, any domestic abuse is swiftly taken care of. Pain or even threatening violence is punished, not only by family, but also by the whole community.

Much changes when kids come around. You find out if your spouse is actually mono-white or there’s a hybrid or dual-color nature to him or her. Ethics and religion are fundamentals, and children are not taken lightly. Surprisingly from religion, you’d think contraceptives would be shunned due to such practices preventing more community members, but that isn’t so. White wants to ensure peace, and unwanted children disrupt community by far the greatest amount.

Blue

Before Blue even starts its process, Blue must fulfill its mantra: Loving yourself is the only way to love others. Blue has to be open to love before Blue lets someone in, but when Blue’s open, Blue is like a Mormon during senior year at BYU, and Blue is searching hard. DTRs are Blue’s jam. (Define. The. Relationship.) Do you know the PhD student who’s casually had folks spend the night but who isn’t looking for anyone yet? It’s because he or she doesn’t know yet who Blue is and what Blue wants. Many others date to figure that out, but Blue moves inward and studies one’s self. Some folks never emerge, and they become priests, lifelong academics who help the next group of blue devotees or, well, hermits.

Proposal

Blue usually leaves college (of course there is secondary school) and is dating someone because, well, sharing rent is logical. Blue often falls into the belief that marriage is logical to come next. A “compatible enough” relationship is very blue because Blue often doesn’t know any better because Blue hasn’t dated all that much. After stopping at least a dozen of Blue’s friends making foolish choices in proposing, Blue will eventually propose for him or herself. Many, many women will propose in blue, a concept that is shown mechanically with the Clone and mimicry abilities of blue. That sounds a bit crass, but Sadie Hawkins dances are Blue’s jam—oh biscuits, and that transcends when Blue is an adult. When ready, Blue pounces! Proposals are done, ahem, the next morning before breakfast because, well, it’ll give Blue something to discuss over waffles because Blue oh so loves to steer conversation.

Making an hour feel like a minute because Blue is in a deeply passionate moment with someone Blue loves? To Stretch Time is a delight in Blue’s book!

I suppose it’s all relative, but again, that’s the point.

Wedding

Something will feel similar about this wedding. The entire day is a déjà vu moment—from speeches Blue gives that are similar to a drunken night of professed feelings you could hear shouted in every corner of your mutually-rented house to even musical selections to which the couple first met or had moments together. You, as an audience member, feel that you’ve seen all of this before, and frankly, you have. Everything is timed, it flows well, all the chicken arrives at a perfect temperature, and no one gets too drunk. This is the highest level of order that they will have in their lives, and they agreed to do it, to Reminisce instead of remember because things are still happening.

Marriage

Blue can be very manipulative in marriage, but it always means the best. Miscommunication often happens, so when two blue folks are hitched, they do finish each other’s sentences and seemingly read each other’s minds. If they are unable to think on behalf of their spouses, they’ll kill each other because they’ll be confused as to why they don’t understand each other.

Blue lies a lot, but it’s never about anything that important. They just like to Fabricate things from time to time and cover their butts. There’s that woman who went out shopping and who spent an extra $250 on a dress that was $1,250 on sale, but that dress will get her noticed at a work party for a “40 under 40” list. Or there’s that guy who lost $500 in Las Vegas but gained a lifelong business partner. Both are great examples, and you bet they lied about both, playing those events down. It’s just that their intentions aren’t always known to their partners. Their love is more of a bond that bends but never breaks because both partners can be in their little own worlds for weeks at a time, working late on projects.

Black

Pretty much, Black looks to others as other ones to crush and rule or as those who can help Black immensely more than Black could on Black’s own. A partner parasite is a good descriptor. If Black can’t do better for him or herself, Black will reach out. A less attractive man who’s charismatic would “marry up” to wealth or for power, but in either case, the marriage enables the ongoing selfish agenda, so a long-term relationship is in the best interest of Black. Also, have you lived in New York? Sweet baby Jesus is that rent expensive!

Reading about planeswalkers Liliana Vess and Jace Beleren’s relationship was really just desperation by Liliana. She then betrayed him, as obvious as that could be, but she felt tremendous guilt.

Additionally, Black does hold grudges in relationships, conducting the same fights over and over again.

Proposal

You know that two-carat diamond ring your great grandmother had or has on right now? Black wants that for itself, and marriages allow for a ton of priceless heirlooms and funding to be funneled into trusts. Being married allows the strong, younger people in the family to assert authority over their elders and demand their keep in the family. If a patriarch or matriarch is also black, some respect is also transferred—though only fleetingly—as a new threat has emerged over the family dynasty, wealth, and real estate. That family cabin? “I’m married now, dibs.”

Black will do anything in its proposal to ask in favors to gain footholds. Never trust a twenty-three-year old wanting to “borrow” something for a “perfect” proposal, saying that some other family member gave him or her permission. Those things ain’t never comin’ back. Seriously.

Wedding

The only reason Black even gets married are the myriad tax benefits. Black does so through the court system as fast as possible or Black applies to a hundred wedding shows to gain money, a free honeymoon, and the like. It must be personally beneficial or there is no purpose to do so. Desperation also fits in here, but that’s a lot harder to justify, as desperate folks rarely have the time or money to have a quick wedding—people tend to be suspicious of that, and black is way sneakier than to be found out.

Marriage

It’s rather curious why Black would even get married, but it does happen. Many such marriages end in divorce—especially when kids are even discussed—but two self-interested people can be married. If you watch House of Cards, you’ll see two people in an open marriage who are basically despicable to others, but they see one another as alphas of their respective genders and figure they won’t be satisfied anyway, so they might as well get married because there are some benefits to marriage. Kim Kardashian is often seen as black because Kris Humphries was really just a pawn for publicity.

Black keeps a lot of secrets. Some are harmless, but most cause enormous rifts if let loose. “You really do look fat in that; maybe you should work out for me,” plays through Black’s mind a lot. “Stop drinking that beer; that’s a lot of calories for you, and I like your washboard abs. I don’t want a beer belly. I can’t be seen in public with that.”

Black works late—a lot. Black’s also rarely working. Black will sleep to the top of Black’s work and cheat however it can to get ahead in this world. Black’s partners know, but frankly, they’re doing it, too. The best marriages are ones that consist of people who are aware of it. They have a quick conversation about it and move on. “Is this the only time?” “It will be needed for a while.” “Make sure it’s worth it.”

Red

Red consists of an incredibly-unthinking group of people who think of no consequence or ramification. Impulsive is exactly what it is. Shotgun marriages? That is Red’s jam. If you know someone on his or her third or fourth marriage, yup, that’s Red. If Red gets hurt, it lashes out for revenge hard but often dives into another relationship and has its new lover help exact revenge—if Red has time between bedroom sessions. On that note, swingers fit into red. Well, swingers who last as ongoing promiscuity can tear most relationships apart, but for red, variety is very much the spice of life. Red wants passion and pleasure, and in a relationship, Red wants its partners to have as much pleasure as it’s having. To have someone watching its back encourages Red to be free; it’s actually quite comforting because a lot of people want to tell Red “no.” Having someone tell Red “yes” every night—the nights Red comes home anyway—offers Red the only stability in life that Red needs.

Proposal

After saying, “I love you,” and defining the relationship in the same week, a marriage proposal is literally days later. That said, it isn’t just a man in a pair of Melrose High School football shorts—no, it’s often a high-risk, crazy-high-reward proposal. I’m talking it involves eight happenstance encounters (from a total of sixteen) up to a massively open profession of love. You’d think Red would have no time to plan this out, but one way or another, it comes together rather beautifully. (Most are improvised with a ton of saved text messages asking others for tremendous favors and a silly amount of money thrown at it.)

Wedding

Your choices are Las Vegas, Reno, Atlantic City, or any boating captain, and that’s if it isn’t winter! More than half the time, a red couple is pregnant and a father is ready with a shotgun if a marriage doesn’t happen. Most often, a common marriage happens because Red doesn’t want to plan a wedding. That’s a lot of unfun work, and that ain’t gonna happen easily unless an Elvis impersonator is planning ninety percent of that ceremony. I’m just saying that a reception is often at Old Country Buffet because no one saved up money for a wedding. “They’re how much!?”

Marriage

Every red marriage has cheating. Every. Single. One. I mean, if you’re at Bonnaroo and someone takes his or her top off, what do you want me to do, look at my feet? Let’s not be silly here. Consequences don’t really matter because most red folk have been married a few times anyway. You know Britney Spears’s fifty-five-hour marriage? Bingo.

Red marriages are annulled, dissolved, and then reinstituted seemingly on a weekly basis, such that many judges have fake paperwork to expedite the process because it’s really not worth the hassle or time to constantly do the same thing over and over again when the couples are just going to have another 151 shot and get back together the following Thursday night. Also, real legal work needs to be done, and do they smell like booze? Ugh, just sign the paperwork.

Green

Green’s parents are worried sick that Green will move back home and become a hermit or old maid, yet Green’s parents never bug their offspring much about it. Even when they do, their efforts make no lasting impact at all. A carefree lifestyle bucks against the trends of finding someone, and while Green has an online dating account, Green rarely checks it. That carefree lifestyle that says, “I’ll know when I know,” is actually quite fun to be around compared to the crazed I-need-to-find-a-girlfriend-or-I’ll-die-alone person whom you just want to shut up.

Green isn’t about arranged marriages because that puts Green’s future in someone else’s hands, which is absolutely not happening. If you’ve ever been just pulled to someone for something you just can’t explain, that’s green. Sometimes, others plan it, but really, you felt it early. Love at first sight? Sure, it’s green.

Proposal

Obviously, Green will propose outside on some nature walk, in front of something majestic like a mountain or overlooking a valley. Even Northern Minnesota’s iron ore pits come sundown can produce a beautiful, scintillating effect that Green loves, though Green hates that machines had to make it.

Green sees marriage as a way to grow roots in a community, improve with another person, and personally grow in character. Green has to push the narrative a little more than Green would like at this stage because you just can’t assume you’re dating someone—Green never defines the relationship until Green absolutely has to for marriage. If a big takeover in government happens, for either party, Green will often solidify what they have because being grandfathered into a law is such sweet success and Green would hate to miss out on some beneficial marriage laws. Any change in politics is usually bad to Green in its mind, and at least going it with someone else can stave off some of the terribleness.

Wedding

Green doesn’t understand the concept of the social construct, but if it must be done to satisfy its other half or to keep things as is, Green will throw the most amazing wedding with favors being offered by every friend, relative, and acquaintance Green has. Green’s wedding is awesome, and at least a half dozen other people end up in relationships after the wedding—just because of the plethora of people who attend. You post this invitation on the fridge on top of your child’s artwork.

A sad part is that wedding crashers are forcibly tossed out. Often, a new boyfriend or girlfriend is booted, only to be welcomed an hour later to super-apologetic people, not realizing the error. This becomes a common theme that people laugh about for years. The amount of booze increases after these instances, and nine months later, many children are born. They have a term for it—“early marriage”—because . . . 

Marriage

Green uses no contraceptives and has a ton of children. Green’s families are close-knit, and every couple has a pair of cousins near its age to whom they become close for board game night or hikes or campfires. Since Green has so many children, Green is rarely wealthy, but Green is incredibly happy with its life. While children disperse, Green finds third and fourth cousins to connect with to stay close with family, keeping happiness close, especially when calamities happen. Their Ancestry.com page is totally filled out, and every terrible, trendy name each year is divvied out in a hat passed around at the family reunion. While not rich, due to their connectedness, Green is rarely unemployed or wanders aimlessly. Some married couples go on wanderlust excursions for years, but they keep in touch via social media.

Think about these concepts every time you see a Magic card depicting love or a relationship. I know it made me examine my own relationship a bit more! On that note, it’s time to head to bed. My G/U wife is waiting up for me!

- Mike