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Diary of a Delver Player

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January 11, 2012

Oh my God, finally, diary. Finally a reason to keep playing Magic. There’s another good W/U deck!

I’ll be honest for a second, diary: Because there wasn’t a clear best deck in Standard that was W/U, I was totally content to lay back, show girls in my dorm building how awesome I am at multi-queueing PLO tables on the laptop my dad bought me (for some reason, it’s not that attractive to women it seems), and watch Entourage blooper reels on YouTube every day. Love that Turtle, diary.

But nope! I am BACK, diary, because Charles F. Gindy solved all my problems over the weekend:

Midnight Haunting
Looks like I’m gonna have to switch up my game a little bit, diary. This is a more tempo-based strategy than the aggro-control one I’m used to. The upside is that I get to keep using my foil copies of Seachrome Coast and Glacial Fortress!

I definitely look forward to making a lot of changes here, diary. I’m pretty sure I want four Midnight Hauntings. Also, it just isn’t a W/U deck without Sword of Feast and Famine, amirite? I’ll probably just cut the Sword of War and Peace and Runechanter's Pike. I mean, come on . . . Runechanter's Pike?? So bush league, bro.

Three Gitaxian Probe and three Geist of Saint Traft feel like the right numbers to me. You don’t want too many legends in your deck, or so I’ve been told.

Gotta go for now, diary. Gonna go download some Mumford and Sons albums. That shit is my JAM, diary.

February 15, 2012

Oh man, diary. Just got back from a sick weekend with my bros at my dad’s lake house. One of my bros Kleenex (I bet you can imagine why we call him Kleenex) tried to ice me, but I totally had a Smirnoff Ice in my back pocket for just such an occasion. I jammed it in his face and said, “NAH MAN WHY DON’T YOU GET ICED,” and then he had to drink both of the Smirnoff Ices! HAHAHAHAH. Then I botched a gainer off the deck and had to get twelve stitches. Nothing a few beers can’t help, I said, and then things got a little fuzzy after that.

Long story short, I just got out of the hospital to find that my boy MATTY “ICE” COSTA just made ten Gs at the Pro Tour!!! And he did it with a Delver deck!!!

Sword of Feast and Famine
My boy MC Fresh lost to Sir Jonny Finkel himself in the quarterfinals. Yo, diary, did I ever tell you that Finkel went on a date with some chick that interned at Gizmodo? It’s true! She totally blasted him on the Internet for playing Magic because she’s insecure and petty, and my man Finkel did nothing! Nothing! Bro. If I were Jonny M. I would’ve walked down to Gawker HQ, pulled out my wad of cash, and made it rain all over her dumb face, just to show her what she was missing. And then I would’ve yelled “SHADOWMAGE INFILTRATOR DON’T PLAY DAT SHIT.” That’ll show her! MAGIC BROS 4 LYFE.

About this deck, though . . . yeah, there are definitely some things I would’ve done differently here. My main squeeze Midnight Haunting got cut altogether. No love for the midnight haunts, bro? I wish you would’ve told me that before I paid Eric Klug $50 apiece to draw all the different bars that’ll take my fake ID on my Midnight Haunts, bro. And no Sword of Feast and Famine anywhere in the whole deck? I PAID GOOD MONEY TO GET DRAMA FROM ENTROURAGE DRAWN ON THOSE.

Oh well. At least I got a nice new deck to grind events with. I’ll write again soon, diary—my boys won’t stop talking about bath salts, and I gotta see what all the fuss is about.

February 27, 2012

Just got back from Grand Prix: Baltimore, diary—oh, what a trip it was. Got in on Friday, walked down to the harbor, ate a sandwich with a crab on it, and got completely shlammered with my boys. Started walking around downtown Baltimore quoting Omar from The Wire at the top of my lungs . . . gotta love it, diary. Ended up browning out a little bit. Woke up in the bathtub in my room. There was vomit in the toilet when I looked in it. Definitely don’t remember doing that. Ended up sleeping through registration and didn’t get to play in the GP at all. Did okay in the side events, though. Came in second in a win-a-box tourney. I even got Conley Woods to sign my play mat, diary! Oh man, I was so excited, I said, “I love—” and I almost finished the sentence with “Conley Woods” (woah!), but I got a grip on myself and finished the sentence with “this play mat now!!!” That was a close one, diary!

Other than the number I got from that chick at the bar (it only had six digits, but I still count it as a win, diary), the story of the weekend was MY BOY MATTY ICE SHOWIN’ ‘EM HOW IT’S DONE!!!

This is it, boys. The Holy Freaking Grail. Look at that list. It gives me chills to think about how many people he totally submarined with that Jace, Memory Adept out of the ’board. Oh man, diary. Well, that’s it for this entry. Lids is having a sale on snapback New York Giants hats. I’m ’bout to go JUMP ON DAT.

June 19, 2012

Okay, diary. Here’s the straight scoop. You ready? Since GP: Baltimore, there have been five more Standard GPs.

There’s one archetype that has won three out of five of those Grands Prix.

You wanna know which one?

D-E-L-V-E-R! THIS MY JAM! CLAP YO HANDS! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Runechanter's Pike
That is Yuuya Watanabe’s (Sensei Watanabe, the Japanese Matty Ice) GP-winning decklist from Grand Prix: Manila, which rhymes with vanilla. This decklist reminds me of the first time I invented a mixed drink. I call it the Kim Kardashian, and what you do is drop a shot of Bacardi 151 into a pint of Four Loco and then you drink it. I call it the Kim Kardashian because it’s really, really disgusting, but it will totally screw you up, no question about it. You should ask me about my other mixed drinks. I have this other mixed drink called The Republican Party, and it’s basically just vodka and Red Bull. I call it the Republican Party because it literally kills middle-class people. I got a bunch of these, diary.

Back to Magic. Now this list is pretty quick. Like, breakneck speed. Count those lands. There are nineteen. That is almost a statutory number of lands, which is not a good place to be. Trust me on that one, diary.

Nothing in the whole list even costs more than 4! This is craziness. I don’t know who to side with here, this list or the slower one. Yuuya won two GPs, but Matty Iceberg won a GP and Top 8’d a Pro Tour. This is a tough decision, diary, like when you’re going clubbing and you can’t decide between striped button-down shirts.

June 20, 2012

Dude, WTF is this Thragtusk card!?!?!? lsdfgjbnfdslkgjanflakjbnalsjbasfkjalbkjabalskjb

July 14, 2012

I’m done, diary! I AM DONE I AM DONE I AM DONE.

You’ll never guess what happened to me, diary. I’m at a PTQ, my Delvers in tow, and I’m chillin’ at 3–0. And then BAM, a goddamn Thragtusk deck. Do I have a Mana Leak? OF COURSE NOT! So I have to just sit there and not be able to deal with this stupid green creature while it kills me. What the hell, WotC? When will blue decks ever get their day in the sun? I hate this stupid game.

I’ll let you in on a little something, diary. I’ve been thinking about quitting Magic cards for a while. I’ve got this business degree, see, and there’s just so much I can do with it. I’m big-time, diary. Peace out and go Yankees.

October 12, 2012

Just did my first Return to Ravnica draft. This set freaking owns.

Jon Corpora

Pronounced Ca-pora

@feb31st

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