Get Some God in Ye

Posted on August 22, 2013

Salvation is on our horizon, approaching with measured steps of giant feet that walk on water. Theros is headed our way, and soon, juicy little spoilers will start rolling into our eager mouths like so many grapes ready for crushing into Blessed Wine. What sacrifices will Theros ask of us? What demonstrations of faith will be demanded? What styles of codpieces will be represented?

Theros will certainly give us a lot of new holy candy to ogle (see Erebos, who has returned none of my texts—yet) . In anticipation of our upcoming purple-twilight-sparkly benediction, let’s become acquainted with some of the funniest religious types from the church of Magic. From sanctimoniously silly to plain ole NSFW (I kid you not!), here are my top twenty picks in the pantheon.

The Top 20 godliest Magic cards of all time!!!

20 – True Believer Demonstrate real faith, and you earn the right to do yoga inside the special floating chalk pyramid.
19 – Wojek Apothecary It’s a hostile work environment—that guy has three arrows sticking through his throat, and Boros is still gonna make him report for duty the next day.
18 – Zedruu the Greathearted Ibix in Oscar-worthy formal evening dress gives us gifts. That’s my kind of faith.
17 – High Priest of Penance
16 – Godhead of Awe It's as though her whole face is a mustache.
15 – Witch Hunter No.
14 – Urbis Protector
13 – Beloved Chaplain "A Lannister always feeds his pets."
12 – Guardian Angel Nudie spritely mangel blasting enemies with Vulcan salute. Yes.
11 – Priest of Yawgmoth Jedi mind tricks!
10 – Shattered Angel She stole her look from Chain Chomp. She should fire her stylist.
9 – Abbey Matron Gimme my beer, biatch!
8 – Initiates of the Ebon Hand I can't look away from the GIANT EYE EMBEDDED IN HIS CHEST.
7 – Cho-Manno's Blessing "Mmmkay, just a little further; that's right. See? I has pretty necklace for you. Now just a little lower . . . "
6 – Marble Priest
5 – Auspicious Ancestor She’s sternly reminding us that she’s westside fo' life—and that it’s always 1996 on Jamuraa.
4 – Godtoucher She touches gods. Heh heh, heh heh.
3 – Ivory Guardians I don’t know about his actions being above the law, but his hypnotizing pectorals are certainly above reproach.
2 – Wishmonger Watch out, Christine Sprankle! I'll be unicorning all over the multiverse in my sexy Wishmonger cosplay!
1 – Clergy en-Vec