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Planeswalker Weekly: A Legionnaire of Controversy

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Move over, Blustersquall chick . . . a hot new lady is crashing the gates of controversy this month, and this time, it has nothing to do with breasts: Skyknight Legionnaire is riding high on the mechanical bull of a backlash maelstrom!

Skyknight Legionnaire

A perennial Magic favorite, Skynight—whose given name is Mulva Pelvica—recently caused a media storm with the release of her reprint and, uh, vibrant new look.

Dubbed “Crotchknight Legionnaire” and “Crotchal Regionnaire” by critics, PW! caught up with Pelvica as she did routine maintenance on her cod piec e at the Boros garrison.

“I have no idea what all the *bleep* hot fuss is about. If Albert Pujols was wrestling an Armada Wurm on a baseball card, no one would care. All this criticism is sexist,” said Pelvica.

Albert Pujols (outsports.com)

When PW! pointed out that the new Legionnaire pose had been ID’d as overly sexual and gratuitous by some of MTG’s notable leading feminists, Pelvica was still pissed.

Professional golfer Paula Creamer (janicemoses.com)

“So it’s a low angle. So it looks like my lady bits are outlined in Sharpie. So my name is Mulva Pelvica. So what? Paula Creamer’s name is Creamer. I’ve been around for years. You’d think they’d give me the benefit of the doubt.”

Gucci 2003 (Gucci sells clothes, FYI)

Pelvica’s new look, designed by Anthony Palumbo, who’s known for his sexy women (that Angel token and that Disciple of the Old Ways) . . . 

 . . . and edgy artistic interpretations (Contagion Clasp has his own Twitter and was voted Sexiest Clasp Alive by Esquire in 2010), garnered a variety of reactions from her Gatecrash and RTR peers.

Frightful Delusion by Anthony Palumbo

“She’s hot,” said Bane Alley Broker.

Bane Alley Broker by Clint Cearley

“If I had her bod, I’d do a crotch shot, too, said Tavern Swindler.

Tavern Swindler by Cynthia Sheppard

“She totally sold out,” commented Agrus Kos. “Look at her old card next to the new. Instead of her grace and skills, all we see now is her pubic bone. Thanks for setting the Boros Legion back a hundred years!”

Skyknight Legionnaire (Ravnica: City of Guilds) by Jim Murray

Oak Street Innkeeper, famed for her sensual and (possibly artificial) perfected look, offered these thoughts: “Look, this is business. We have to sell our product, make a living. But you can’t sell your soul or you’ve got nothing. Each of us women in Magic has to decide for herself which line is the right one to walk.”

Oak Street Innkeeper by Svetlin Velinov




At press time, PW! offices received a Letter to the Editor from Gideon, Champion of Justice, who had our article leaked to him by Nicol Bolas.

To whom it may concern at PW!—

I regret to say I am deeply aggrieved by your overfocus on “feminist” issues such as that of Pelvica’s new photo shoot. Mulva Pelvica is a proven warrior and dedicated soldier in the Boros Legion. She deserves more respect. You are pandering to the left and making something out of nothing. A better article centered on a hard-hitting real-world issue of pertinence would be: Why haven’t I, Gideon Jura, yet had my crotch featured on a card?”

I hope you’ll take this feedback into consideration in your next journalistic effort.

Sincerely

–GJ

Till next time, may Magic be your G-shaped mansculpting.

-MJ

@Moxymtg on Twitter

www.moxymtg.com

https://www.facebook.com/moxymtg

Dolly Parton, legendary songwriter, chanteuse, icon, plastic surgery veteran, humanitarian, faithful Christian, and bad-ass businesswoman, cheekily reminds us all: Go ‘head get that cash, but don’t play yourself. (lazygirls.info)

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